Fighting Fears

It took me a minute to figure out how to express what I’m thinking and feeling in this post. I have a tendency to struggle with writing exactly how I feel because I worry if I’m using the right words, but I’m going to try anyway.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of becoming nothing. I am afraid of spending the rest of my life working at jobs I hate because I gave up on my goals and dreams. I’m afraid of getting stuck. I’m afraid to give up on my goals and dreams. I’m afraid of not trying or not having the ability to try.

I’ve been through a lot and I’m aware that others have been through much more and much worse. What I’ve been through has made me wonder if failure and sitting here stuck with nothing to do and no where to go is what I’m meant to do. Am I meant to just give up on dreams and goals like a few people I grew up around? Am I meant to depend on others and not do for myself?

For a minute anxiety took over and these feelings sunk in so deep that it lodged me to my bed. My former roommates cat came into my room and sat on my bed until I moved. My boyfriend had to force me to eat and my other former roommate made tea later that day. I was becoming sick from sadness. Sick from feeling like my life lacked purpose.

However, today, I realized something. Although right now I feel like giving up and just sitting here until things maybe pass by . . . I won’t do it. I shouldn’t. I realized the fear of not trying was stronger than my fear of failure. I want to at least try and get past obstacles and fight for my goals.

You all should too. Anxiety maybe strong right now and you may need a support system but you’ve got to at least try. Try hard and do everything to the best of your ability. If the first steps just means getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, then you did it.

Now keep going.  If you fall backwards a couple of times. It’s okay. That’s apart of fighting anxiety. If you feel like life isn’t real (or a sense of derealization), that’s okay. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Take one step at a time.

Until next time,

Tiara “Kikyo” Giles

P.S. I’m not sure if any of this made sense.

 

Advertisements

The Road to Korea – A Timeline

Hey everyone! It’s been a while!

I had been contemplating for about a month over what to write about next on my blog and also what to upload next on my YouTube Channel. I had honestly been contemplating talking about what I was up to over the summer but I was hesitant about telling you all.

However, I decided to go on ahead and talk about it here but not on my Facebook page. I’ll discuss it on YouTube later once I am able to focus and settle my mind down.

I applied to teach English in South Korea in March through Korvia Consulting (a recruiting agency). I wanted to face some fears, learn to get out of my comfort zone, and try new things. Why not apply to teach overseas?

But here is a brief timeline to show you where I am at in the process.

Somewhere Mid-June of 2016: I apply for my passport. I had been planning to travel to Korea for a long time but seemed to not have the money. This time I at least had the funds for a passport. The process was a little daunting since they thought there was something wrong with my ID and requested further forms of identification. My ID was fine. I just happened to be 22 with a leaner’s permit. I know. I know. I wrote about it here.

8/24/2016: My sorority sister sends me an email suggesting I try teaching English in South Korea. She stated a few other sorority sisters in the past had applied and got accepted to EPIK and loved the experience.

8/25/2016: My passport arrives!!! I also reach out to one of the sorority sisters that taught with EPIK. I don’t ask about living or teaching. I just ask about traveling to Korea, what cities to go visit, the food, the culture and so on.

September 2016 (I don’t remember the exact date): I began to research teaching English in South Korea and the various ways you can go about doing so. You can try teaching privately through a recruiter or finding a Hagwon (Korean private school) directly that has a job opening, or you can apply to teach publicly through programs such as EPIK, GEPIK, GOE and so on. You can also apply for public schools through a recruiter.

9/30/2016: I ask my sorority sisters about their experiences teaching in Korea for further research.

Sometime in October: The process freaks me out and I decide to hold off on it. I began to wonder if this would be right for me and if this was something I really wanted.

11/13/2016: I decided to look back into teaching in Korea and called my sorority sister that had recently moved back to America.

3/10/2017: I research a few recruiters vs. applying to EPIK directly, Hagwons and other programs.

3/15/2017: I apply to Korvia Consulting and open a GoFundMe Campaign. I had some financial hardships so I needed a little help preparing for Korea since it is recommended to set aside $1000 for the plane ticket and a minimum of $1000 to help with getting settled. I was honestly surprised at the amount of help I was getting with the GoFundMe. However, the goal only reached halfway but help still trickled in through other avenues.

3/17/2017: I am invited to have an initial interview with Korvia Consulting.

3/21/2017: My interview takes place at 11:30 pm CST over Skype which is 1:30pm KST March 22nd in Korea. I receive an email shortly after the interview stating that I passed. My recruiter had suggested that I apply for EPIK and that he and the rest of Korvia would assist me with the process.

3/30/2017: After I had begun to gather all of my initial documents for EPIK, I sent in my application.

4/4/2017: My recruiter requests revisions to my EPIK application.

4/6/2017: Revisions are completed and sent to Korvia Consulting.

4/7/2017: WAITING GAME #1. Korvia has sent my revised application to EPIK. This is the first long wait in the EPIK process since you will be waiting for EPIK to request to have an interview with you. If you are still in school you are in luck because you have classes, final exams, and graduation to distract you. If you have a job, you have work to distract you while you wait. I was also completing my TEFL course at this time so I had plenty on my plate to distract me.

5/6/2017: I graduate from Mississippi State University and I have joined the Korvia EPIK Facebook to get as much information as I can on the process while I continue to await my interview with EPIK.

5/17/2017: EPIK scheduled an interview with me for May 23rd my time.

5/18/2017 (or around there): I find out a sorority sister of mine also applied for EPIK. However, she has applied directly through EPIK and had already passed her interview with EPIK.

5/23/2017: EPIK interview went well with requests for more revisions to my application (specifically the lesson plan and a new recommendation letter).

5/29/2017: I PASSED!!!! However, the email points out that passing the interview doesn’t secure me a place with EPIK nor does it secure my preferred location. The reason for this depends on how soon you get your documents in the EPIK for approval. Once EPIK approves your final documents they will recommend you to a school who will then send you a contract upon acceptance. Thus, making you official with EPIK.

5/30/2017: After seeking advice on how to revise my lesson plan for the application I send in my updated application. At this time I have all final documents for EPIK except my apostilled FBI background check, which USPS had lost in the mail just before I received the news of passing.

6/12/2017: Final documents sent to Korvia Consulting. WAITING GAME #2. The worlds longest waiting game. You’re warned about it. You think you’re prepared, but you’re not. Excitement and nerves are at its highest. I join the EPIK Fall 2017 Facebook group.

6/16/2017: Korvia Consulting has received, reviewed, and sent my final documents to EPIK HQ that same day. However, another error had been noted on my letter of recommendation. I contact my professor that same day to get it fixed. Placements begin to roll out on the EPIK Facebook group. I begin to feel excited and stressed all at the same time.

6/20/2017: I received my updated recommendation letter and mail it to Korvia Consulting. I join a Kakao Talk group with other people from Korvia waiting to hear back about placement.

6/23/2017: Korvia receives my updated recommendation letter and gives it to EPIK HQ the same day. More placements roll out on the Facebook group. My stress continues but it hasn’t been a month yet so I am okay.

6/28/2017: THE SCARE. During this waiting game we get a scare thinking that we all had been waitlisted and EPIK stopped giving out placements. However, it was a misinterpretation of an email a recruiter received from EPIK that discussed the deadline for receiving final documents. Placements would continue to be given.

7/6/2017: EPIK Coordinator posts to the group that they would be rolling out online pre-orientation on the 17th of July. I begin to worry, but I had not been waiting for a month yet.

7/13/2017: At this point, I’m so nervous that I break down and email my recruiter. I hadn’t heard from him since I sent him my updated LoR and my sorority sister had just received her placement. I was beginning to worry again when I had finally become calm for two days prior to emailing him. He responded thirty minutes after I emailed him informing that I was still getting placed. I wasn’t sure if that meant I was being recommended but I hoped that was so.

7/18/2017: Devastating News: I got wait-listed and my application is pushed back for Spring 2018 with EPIK. I am now thinking of what to do and have emailed my recruiter to discuss being wait-listed and other options with him. I also email professors about acquiring updated rec letters.

Important Note: If you don’t get placed in time for fall orientation you get wait listed. This means that if someone quits, loses their job, or does not show up for orientation you will be called in to work. If you are not placed for late intake you will be put down as priority for the spring intake. (Same goes for those who apply in spring and don’t get placed) There is also still a chance of getting cut while waiting for placement but that’s extremely rare.

I’ll update this timeline as more things happen!

Until next time,

Tiara “Kikyo” Giles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety is not a Farce

Hi everyone!

How was Halloween if you celebrate it? Mine was decent. I had class and an exam but I dressed as a fan of Kpop. See?

20161031_081656.jpg

Okay. Honestly, Halloween was just an excuse to wear my Jimin mask and motivation finally put my kpop buttons on my backpack.

Anyway, I finished this book on Sunday night called “Leaving Oxford” by Jane W. Ferguson. It touched me a lot because the main girl is someone I completely relate to. She’s dealt with losing a lot of close people and she has anxiety. Her anxiety prevents her from moving forward and going places. Mine plagues me with fear of failure in anyway. I dont even have my license yet (besides the fact that my car isnt fixed but still). The way she felt when she couldn’t get over her anxiety on her own was so real. I was like “I’m there bruh!”

On the other hand, I had a conversation last night with the owner of Sage (Starkville’s newest bookstore) about things and we touched on how some families believe that anxiety is a farce. It’s not real. Other mental illnesses aren’t real either. If you can’t pray it away in a day or two then you don’t really don’t want to get better. According to them of course.

I don’t know anyone who would want to make up feeling like they were stuck in a tomb of darkness and despair.

Anyway, see you next time! (Sorry this is cut so short. I’m headed to class)

Tiara “KikyoHatake” Giles

 

 

Mind Games

Hey everyone. Welcome to my blog where I upload sporadically based off of the time I have in college to do non college things.

Currently, I am sick. I don’t know of what but it feels like a cold or maybe something more than a cold. I am not sure but it’s annoying enough for me to have to call off from work (not like I actually worked long enough anyway. I only work 8 hours a week . . . when I’m lucky). I woke up in the middle of the night around maybe who knows when and I started thinking about every possible failure that could happen and everything that has gone wrong this year. I woke up with some form of an anxiety attack and I just couldn’t return to sleep.

All I could do was sneeze, cough, sniff, and cry. Sometimes my mind does this. It picks the worst times to come in and attack me. I had to wake up my boyfriend and he helped me go back to sleep. Then I tried to go to work twenty minutes before I started writing this and failed.

It’s okay though. My body has been needing rest for weeks and I have been pushing it farther than it can go. My body has been trying to shut down for a minute (last week especially. I couldn’t stay awake for the life of me). I have been stressing about all of the exams I’ve had this month and all of the projects I’ve had for class. I have an exam next  week and another the week after and so on. I have a project due in November as well.

I guess, I wasn’t prepared for how busy my last year in college would end up being. Trying to balance sleep, homework, work, and friends is a lot harder than it used to be. I really want to graduate. I came this far (and realized that college wasn’t meant for me). I’m at home stretch so I might as well finish.

In the meantime, if you feel overworked and tired all the time maybe you need some hours to chill and recuperate.

Until next time,

Tiara “KikyoHatake” Giles

 

Getting Back into Reading

How can I enjoy writing if I don’t make the time to do the very thing that I enjoyed the most? Reading.

In high school, I used to read at least 6 books a week (if there wasn’t an exam of course) and I would ask for a bathroom pass to spend a few extra minutes in the library. I would read anything and everything that sounded interesting from Frank Peretti to Nora Roberts. I would be considered “lame”, “weird”, and a “nerd” but I didn’t really care because I had a hobby. They didn’t.

In college, things changed. I completely forgot what it was like to manage my time. I was very insecure. I thought it was a terribly selfish thing to do stuff for myself. I started dating this guy who made me feel like I should drop everything for him. I felt guilty if I didn’t do something for him that I found uncomfortable.

The last book I remember reading and completing my freshmen year in college was The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson. After that I eventually stopped writing as much and even creating art for myself (I used to be an art major). My anxiety and depression got so much worse and I had to step back from even more things because I just couldn’t seem to get a grip on life.

Now, however, I have been thankfully getting back into writing. I’m getting back into reading and I purchased over twenty books from a thrift store (don’t ask. They were cheap and good books). I’ve learned to take care of myself. Although, sometimes I do slack off. If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t be there for anyone else.

I hope you never forget about the hobbies that make you happy and promote self-care.

Until next time,

Tiara “KikyoHatake” Giles

Feeling Lost

Right now as I am writing this my stomach is literally hurting from the anxiety I had put myself through today. I’ve tried really hard to just stay calm. Take deep breaths. To stop myself from researching so much about the very thing that’s stressing me out. Continue reading