It took me a minute to figure out how to express what I’m thinking and feeling in this post. I have a tendency to struggle with writing exactly how I feel because I worry if I’m using the right words, but I’m going to try anyway.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of becoming nothing. I am afraid of spending the rest of my life working at jobs I hate because I gave up on my goals and dreams. I’m afraid of getting stuck. I’m afraid to give up on my goals and dreams. I’m afraid of not trying or not having the ability to try.
I’ve been through a lot and I’m aware that others have been through much more and much worse. What I’ve been through has made me wonder if failure and sitting here stuck with nothing to do and no where to go is what I’m meant to do. Am I meant to just give up on dreams and goals like a few people I grew up around? Am I meant to depend on others and not do for myself?
For a minute anxiety took over and these feelings sunk in so deep that it lodged me to my bed. My former roommates cat came into my room and sat on my bed until I moved. My boyfriend had to force me to eat and my other former roommate made tea later that day. I was becoming sick from sadness. Sick from feeling like my life lacked purpose.
However, today, I realized something. Although right now I feel like giving up and just sitting here until things maybe pass by . . . I won’t do it. I shouldn’t. I realized the fear of not trying was stronger than my fear of failure. I want to at least try and get past obstacles and fight for my goals.
You all should too. Anxiety maybe strong right now and you may need a support system but you’ve got to at least try. Try hard and do everything to the best of your ability. If the first steps just means getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, then you did it.
Now keep going. If you fall backwards a couple of times. It’s okay. That’s apart of fighting anxiety. If you feel like life isn’t real (or a sense of derealization), that’s okay. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Take one step at a time.
Until next time,
Tiara “Kikyo” Giles
P.S. I’m not sure if any of this made sense.